classic: Panic Attacks

Panic Attack

I decided to get out of the house
Rode my bike as far as I could
I have no idea where I am
At some random coffee shop
i think i went around 10 miles
I'm sitting here
drinking tea
trying not to notice
the people talking about me
whispering in there way
Some event, about 15 minutes ago
"Are you sure your okay?"
the waitress isn't looking at my face
she's looking at my cut
"I'm fine i'm alive right?
This isn't hell right?"
"No it's not"
"Then I'm fine"
"Your bleeding"
"i'm fine."
17 minutes ago i ran into someone
Someone who wasn't there
They didn't talk, they never do
Just staring.
I looked at them
"what are you going to order?"
"earl gray green please"
staring, still
"we don't have that?"
not paying attention
"ma'am?"
"Oh well then just get me whatever you want"
"okay..."
she leaves
I look back and the person is gone
Meanwhile my glass is vibrating in my hand
I'm fine i thought, I'm safe
23 minutes ago I got an e-mail
how many 50 year men i've slept with
I ignored it
Another e-mail
something along slut and whore
and i'm just a toy
I ignored it
A call
I ignored it
One last e-mail, that I didn't ignore
I don't deserve a life it said
I told her where she could put her mouse and such
Said some things i shouldn't have
But it was a line she had crossed
A line that is very well marked
with neon lights and sirens and such
But she crossed it
So i said some things i really shouldn't have
I was hearing things i shouldn't have
My head started ringing
The waitress comes with tea
It wasn't very good
I struggle to keep focus
As i raise a trembling glass to my lips
I try to fight it
And i lost

29 minutes ago
my glass dropped
and shattered
I fell from the steel chair
onto the broken glass
losing focus of reality
when i realize whats going on
my arm and my lip are bleeding
i sit up still shaking
with a crowd around me
making sure they won't get sued
"I'm okay"
fake smile
"I'm a little clumsy"
fake laugh
My arms are wound behind my back
hiding my pulsing body

"here is your check"
she presses
they want me to leave
but i have no where to go
33 minutes ago
they were all afraid for there money
I finish my tea and now i'm almost ready
I hope i can make the ten mile trek back
"are you going to be okay?"
"I'll be fine"
fake smile
"don't worry i'm not going to sue you"
i can see a wave of relief
I have overstayed my welcome here
i better go somewhere else

27 sept 2008 16 21

OhBeast!!

Ohbeast! (venting)

I think that there may in fact be something incredibly wrong with me.. I look in the mirror on a daily basis and I become incredibly depressed. Mainly because i think all of my friends are liars. People say that I am incredibly skinny but its not really true at all, I have huge thighs and I may as well not even have ankles. I weigh around 107, I know this may sound bad but this is the most i have weighed in a very long time. Maybe it is just me, but when I came home today my sister looked at me and said "oh god your thighs look huge in those pants!" I need to start working out over this break, and I probably will, because I know this may sound really bad but looking back at everything I honestly do believe that I am out of shape, and I have some major fat I could lose, weight does not anger me so much but it would be nice to be under 100 lbs.

On another notes of looks and fashion, I hate it when people say that I am one of the most prettiest people that they know, because your lying and its obvious. I could point out a billion things wrong with me and at best I am above average on the looks scale, but just barley. I feel that I may have certain aspects that appeal to certain individuals more but it can not be looks, I don't care what anyone says because i know that I do not look great, and i don't care I just wish that people would stop shoving this bullshit down my face when its obvious to everyone that they are full of shit.

Anyways overall I am angry at how lazy I have been, I need to start doing things with my life and become responsible, I need to get a job.

20/12/08 22:54

Classic: I'm always there its always elsewhere

I'm always there, It's always elsewhere


So today ended well in a weird kinda way...

I felt really guilty afterwards, And i thought i refused to feel any guilt in this whole mess

So i'm like sitting here on the curb of the side walk

Just ran four miles maybe five

my heart is racing

and for once its not because i'm out of shape

I want to go to sleep i do

But i'm afraid that i might miss something

Today ended in the best way it could have

It could have never ended the way i wanted to

Because then for once

It would go the way i wanted

It was still very good though

My chest stings as the autumn air runs through my lungs

I can't do this I'm thinking 

I can't do this to that poor girl

Then i remember I already did

It's all over

My utter lack of a moral code is going to get me killed

Its only a matter of when

My mind and my heart are racing

I can understand how people get confused 

and become duelists

I am a monist though

I could never think them as one

My mind and my heart are racing

against each-other

And for some reason i desperately want my heart to win

But my mind is right

this is wrong

I don't care

"Lets tear this fucking place apart"

I just can't wait for this forsaken part to be over

It won't bother me which way my life goes

Just pick one for christs sake

"Lets tear our fucking bodies apart"

I can't be patti smith and audrey hepburn

"Lets just have some fun"

Today was magical in a way most nights could never be

Tonight kicked some ass

even though nothing good came from any of it

And yes this time i am nostalgic towards you, sir

I feel a little strange

Im going inside now

maybe lying down will help this madness

I wish i drank.....

26 Sept 2008 2:46

Red Rabbits 1

This is a mere introduction to your character and his world, the small series is not really going to play out this way the whole time just the first one, so you can get a sense of who he is and the world he lives in so this first issue has a more serious tone than what the rest will, because I have to paint a picture of where he lives for you.

"Fair morning I could say it was, It's 7 o'clock on what may be the most frllic o'days, 23rd o'flowers 2134"
His eyes cracked when he realized it was Sabbath, and he had once again wanted to sleep in on what was his only free day, He glared at his alarm clock and when he went to hit the snooze button, realized that he had disabled it. He wasn't exactly sure how nine minutes would have aided him, or why they even had it at nine minutes; why not keep it at a simple ten? Was ten minutes asking too much or to be considered late? He wanted eleven minutes of extra sleep not nine, but that was for another day, not the day he got off.
He was mildly thrown when he heard it was going to be frillic, for it had been such a long stretch of time, He wasn't quite sure about how thick the ash was this morning, so he grabbed his jacket, scarf, and hat. Walking out his small loft he remembered he had forgotten his ID card, which he was certain on of these days a Rossem was going to catch him not having it, so he ran back inside and grabbed it. Tripping out the door he read:
"Shanley Roan Nairn, Aug 10th 2107, Eyes: Green, Height: 182, Hair: Brown, Weight: 72, Ethnicity: Caucasian, Region: Vermont (North East Coast Sect. 2145), Occupation: Computer Science and Engineering, Clearance: 7A, SSN: 008-59-4210"
He always hated how the ID photographers were not happy until you looked miserable in your picture, he was certain it was some final act of revenge on their part for having such a pitiful job. He took out his umbrella and popped it as he saw it raining ash more heavily today than normal, he reached in his pocket and pulled out a mask and slipped it over his face (It almost resembled a SARS mask and a dust mask but not quite, for this one was made of a different durable cloth/plastic material, was a dark deep royal blue, and had green and orange embroidery on the edges and the straps were made of a heavy grey linen material). He walked down the street in a hurry pulling out his pocket watch to make sure he wouldn't be late, for all of the semi-decent parts in the store were usually taken by nine.
Shane opened the door to a rather old cluttered but clean repair and tool shop, there was an automated desk service drone that took his coat and hat while he brushed himself off before entering, he always disliked greeting drones for they never knew when you were ready to come in or to give up your coat and hat. Rushing in he smiled and said,
-"Good Day Skelly, have you caught a wind of my modules?"
An older man in his fifties poked his head up from behind the counter and fixed his monocle so he could see Shane and when he recognized him a smile stretched from ear to ear
--"Good Day Shane! How goes the work?"
He was avoiding the question, and rather obvious about it was a nervous smile.
-"It goes sir, but I need the use of those parts if I am to venture on in this project."
Shane caught him and knew that Skelly was in avoidance.
--"I have seen your work, it is sheer genius my boy, it is quite frillic today am i right? I must be because you still have your facade on."
Shane blushed and tore it off and apologized, for it was an extreme rude gesture to wear one indoors but he was in quite a hurry.
--"You’re a fine young man Shane, and I have acquired your parts that you will need, however you must be careful because two of these are not in your clearance to buy."
Shane looked shocked for he did not understand, nothing in his list struck him as an item that he would not have clearance to buy.
-"Well tell me good fellow what goods can I not acquire?"
Skelly looked up and smiled
--"Exactly, or figuratively, that is a conversation that I could carry on 'ours devours" Shane kept a straight face.
--"Alright don't you chortle to your grave over in your corner, you do not have clearance for the small phalange joints or opposable thumb criteria parts"
Shane sighed
-"I though that may be the case, I don't entirely see why the Rossem's wouldn't want me building a drone with hands."
Skelly looked at him in a sort of quizzical expression holding Shane’s card with a grin only a Cheshire cat could reproduce
-“Why Sir, do you make yourself marry looking at my card in such a way, does it please you to know my sector? Speak Man!”
Skelly placed came out from behind the desk and returned the card to Shane and pressed a button out of about twenty on an old dingy grey remote attached to a series of long extension cords and cables. In doing this the service drone from earlier appeared with Shane’s dark green trench coat, and his steel blue top had with a black sash.
--“I gargled at such a card to show why you cannot purchase these items.”
Shane in his frustration grabbed his trench and hat abruptly and the drone spun a little
--“It’s your job title, you see it’s a lil bit intriguing when a boy with so much potential and a occupation of Computer Science and Engineering comes in to get some parts that could make a useful robotic whatever have you”
-“It’s just an ornamental term for a progenitor”
--“Yeah but the Rossem’s see a threat, so I’m sorry lad but your clearance cannot help you here.”
Shane grabbed his things and placed on his mask before leaving to the outdoors, toke his items and left without another word to Skelly. Walking back angrly he assumed that the end of a fifty-seven year depression would allow him more clearance to be able to buy the products he needed. The walk from the general repair store to his loft was only about three blocks and he rather enjoyed the walk and to him he almost enjoyed frillic days, it meant that the unhealthy stayed indoors so the streets were less crowded and it was almost like snow, he had not seen any snow in about 2 years so this was the closest he got. He walked through the ash, staring at the cars going by, they seemed so small and uncomfortable to him, and he couldn’t understand why anyone would ever want one. He came to his building, which kept his loft and swiped his ID card, stepped through what once was a stunning fiberglass entryway, and was now discolored and disfigured. He went through the doors and came across a row of elevators. This type of complex he was in is called a wasper, it’s resembles a wasps nest in the way that it is built vertical and in any other way possibly available to physics at the time. You had a row of elevators at the bottom of every eighteen columns that were connected in a grid to the rooms and would move horizontal, and vertical to reach the room your ID card was recognized to. If you wanted to see a friend you had to type in their room number and name, and wait for a confirmation from the resident. Shane waited for the elevator to come back down, swiped his card and watched the electricity waves pulse through the grid as it brought him to his loft.
He muffled with his key ring and managed to get out his keys and walked inside, his cat ran to him and glared at him angrily as Shane had once again forgotten to feed her cat food that was not expired.
-“I’m sorry, I had to go to the mart my dear.”
She walked away as trying to give him the sign that this sort of behavior was inexcusable and could no longer continue
He looked about his room and threw his shoulder bag on what was once tan couch, tripped over the small chest that served as a coffee table and cursed as he fumbled for the light switch. The lights unveiled a small loft witch was almost unbearable for one person to live in. The chest and couch were about four feet from the door, and alongside the back of his couch was metal frame twin size bed with lockers underneath. Past the couch and chest there was a table, which you couldn’t really see because it was covered with papers and scraps of metal, with a work light above it. Surrounding the table and chair were several counters with cabinets and a food preperaitor, all dingy and obviously misused and under kept. A food preperaitor was a machine that held perishable items and also heated and cooked food, so it was almost like a refrigerator, freezer, microwave, oven, and prep system all in one box that looked a little like a vending machine and would select the food you wanted and send an electrical current to heat, freeze and serve whatever you had stored. In front of the chest was a bookshelf, which also served as a door to the restroom, it was not a secret door of any sort for it was very obvious that it served both and had a large handle to prove so.
Shane looked at his project on the table sadly; he was a little miffed that it would not be able to have hands yet. He took his paintbrush and in a silver color painted the name Conroy on what looked to be a metal bunny tale. Shane smiled and looked at his new toy, a red robotic rabbit with silver eyes and features.
-“Niamh, how does Conroy sound? Is that a good name for your new friend?”
Niamh turned away and went on his bed, she wanted Shane to know her disgust in his taste of cat food.

project 14122149

I am sitting in my room right now in a piercing cold climate to deaths end, thinking why on this good god earth did I hit my head, I'm dizzy and frankly rather faint. Its probably around 35 degrees outside and about 50 in my room. To me this is al a bit strange, you see for some bizarre reason or another I keep getting questions asked about a side project I have been working on for quite some time, one that has been compiled of sheets of paper that are supposed to be class notes and what has littered my small black note books for the past five months. I have decided however that I have had enough of all of this and I am going to give this story I have been working on its own blog and it's own weekly posts that unlike my current blog, I will update it. Although it's going to take about a week to compile all of my shorts into a story,so your going to have to bear with me and allow myself a week to get all of my random writing together. My characters story (he doesn't have a name in any of them) will be a little fantastic and surreal, most of the stories either fall between almost fantasy and a psychotic dream. I'm hoping that this will be a brilliant project to keep me occupied, and overall it will force me to become a better writer. So look forward to something fun to read on tuesdays, I'm hoping to release this next tuesday. It shouldn't be that difficult right?
It's not really going to have much of a plot by the way, just different stories about this imaginary person that I made up a long time ago, as well as some illustrations of him that I made. Well this will be an interesting side project I think.
_mars

1412082149

Ren and Stimpy 11121131

Ren and Stimpy
i know a lot of my friends enjoy this show, however I don't get why people enjoy it so much, I'm watching it in my Animal behavior. I don't understand why I wanted to see when squirrels attack but it seems that watching crazy rodents attacking rattlesnakes is too much to ask for. I think that this shows a problem with American society when a mass majority of the class would rather see the stupidity of the nineties rather than demon squirrels which at least somewhat applies to Animal behavior.
I like to think that South Park, Bevies and Butt head all are in the same caliber at least Family guy has a little bit of intelligence. Seriously the whole episode was about fathering a fart, and to me thats symbolizes the retardation of our "civilized" society as a whole. So as I sit here angrily watching a fart getting married to a dead cod ask yourselves this: Why on this great Earth with so many wonders on it, would you waste your life laughing at this?
1112081131

Sylvavnas (nerdom at its hight)

So I'm glad that along with the new patch they changed sylvanas' model to a blood Elf instead of a night elf, It was always weird for me when I first started, because originally I had thougth Sylvanas was a night elf due to her facial markings and such, but now she looks like she should and all is well, I still think that they should have changed it with the release of BC, but whatever I'm not going to complain.

_The Reason for this post was to announce that I'm going to make a sylvanas costume, although I may end up settling for an undead rogue, I'm not sure though. I still have to get a job which will fund this project, so there is no contract as to what I am doing. I would love to make my blood elf rogue costume, but everyone does a blood elf.... So the only way on this planet I would dress as a BE is if I was sylvanas, I was thinking as going as a Night Elf, but thats way too complicated and I am not nearly tall enough to pull that off, although the rest of my body type fits it, I'll probably just end up going undead... I'm just day dreaming here: